Written: 6/5/2010
I am the King of Spades. It’s not a great name, but it will work for now.
Obviously it is not my given name, but a nom de plume. How did I choose that? Do I have an obsession with royalty? Far from it. And besides, Spades is not a country (note to self: buy an island and name it Spades, then proclaim myself King, but you know, a benevolent one). The name came from a series of connections in my head, and I actually keep finding more connections and uses for it, so I’m keeping it.
I don’t want to keep the name though. I don’t want any of this to be hidden, to be a secret. I used to always pride myself on the fact that my life was an open book, at least to my friends. But life has gotten in the way I suppose. And in order to protect myself, I’ve kept myself bottled up, kept myself in the closet. If I were to tell the truth, to say that I am gay, I’ll be fired.
Even in a city with a non-discrimination protection, there are enough loopholes and addendums that for being honest, I would be fired on the spot.
Which leads me to one of the great ironies of my situation: I work for the Boy Scouts. The first point of the Scout Law is trustworthy. But every day, I lie. Every day I live a false life. Every day it feels like I die a little bit more inside.
This leads to all kinds of realizations, thoughts and craziness inside my head. I’ll do my best to get them all out. But first, a quote from one of my favorite authors, the dedication from House of Leaves:
This is not for you.
Sorry to be blunt. But this is for me. Yes, I love writing, and I’m sure part of me wants people to read this and understand me more, maybe even take something positive away from what I’m going through, but it is more important for me to see these words, to put them down on paper so to speak (that’s another conversation, probably best left to The Great and Secret Show).
I think a good portion of this would make more sense if I explained how to came to this place in my life, how I came to understand and accept myself. But that is for another day, I do apologize.
Some people will say that I brought this on myself, and they would be right- if they didn’t know my whole story. So I’m sorry dear reader, I probably will put all that down at some point, but not today, I can only take so much catharsis at a time. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong.
So I carry on, as I must I suppose. To what? Some sort of misguided and self inflated purpose I think. Can I turn this around somehow and make this all into a positive? I like to think so. After all, I am an eternal optimist.
So I write, and I look forward to seeing where this will take me.
All my best,
The King of Spades
