Written: 10/27/2012
One of my best friends is in Central America. She is teaching for a year. I’m actually sitting in the Starbucks where I talked with her on the phone when she told me she was leaving (granted, I’m here a lot, so I guess it isn’t really a surprise).
She is so amazing, in so many ways, and I was super nervous about coming out to her. The stakes were high. I was afraid to lose her. But at the same time, she is someone I can talk to about anything. We’ve had deep conversations about a myriad of topics, usually serious, but also the inane as well, that’s what good friends do.
She’s someone I consistently go to for advice, and she is one of the few people who can tell when something is on my mind, even when I’m trying to hide it: hence she’s one of my best friends.
A few years ago, while we were talking on the phone, there was a pause in the conversation and she asked what was on my mind. I was trying to work through my sexuality in my mind, but I wasn’t ready to talk about it (of course, since it would have cost me my job).
But she has been who I have wanted to talk to about all of this: what’s been going through my head, my hatred of the Catholic Church for their continued disenfranchisement of the LGBT community and the resentment I still hold for the organization I worked with. I knew that if anyone could help me sort all that out, while still giving me the space that I needed, it would be her.
But she’s in Central America. So I took the coward’s way out and sent her a letter. It took me four weeks to write it, I kept hitting a block, but when I finally got past it, I just poured my heart out, trying to explain everything.
I mailed it earlier this week, and it will take 6-10 business days to get there (the lady at the Post Office said Italy is the worst, once it hits their postal system it could be another month). Now I’m holding my breath, waiting for her response.
Will she still accept me and support me? I think so, but still, a part of me is always ready for the worst, ready to walk away to protect myself and ready to continue fighting inside my head.
Guess I will have to wait to find out.
All my best,
The King of Spades
