Written: 5/29/2012

I leave for camp in less than a week.

My life has been crazy leading up to this, my brother’s wedding, not to mention the merger, which has added a second summer camp operation for me to support, as well as the imminent departure of one of my bosses has created a spring I never even saw as it passed me by.

I can remember a time looking forward to going to camp to work for the summer.  Now it’s something I dread.

I love being outside, I love that place.  But I hate what it has made me become, what it does to my stomach, perpetually tied in knots.

I hate that I hate going to camp.

A big part of it is the fact that I’m overworked.  Illegally most likely, as I’m learning.  My bosses, who make two or three times (at least) what I do are at camp as well, I didn’t sign up to go back each summer.  I have a life here, people that I take care of.

But instead, it’s another summer of missing so much here at home, being away from my friends, and constantly surrounded by fear.

Even those I’ve worked with for years, I am still wary of.  One of these days someone will wonder why I never go out to the bar with everyone else.  Yes, I am usually working late into the night (at least 9, but usually 11, just to start it all again back in the office by 6:45 the next morning), but I never go out because I don’t feel safe on the mountain, and I don’t feel safe with anyone.

This will be my eleventh summer.  I am pretty far up there in terms of tenure (but there certainly are those with more experience), but it only seems to get harder.

Two years ago, I had reached a breaking point like this, I tried to leave, but my better judgement, as well as an offer by my boss convinced me to stay.  I remember driving off of the property for what I thought would be the last time. And I cried so hard.

I am good friends with the rangers, we understand each other better than most since we work year-round, and I know they would let me come back and visit, but they won’t be there forever, and I would also miss them of course.  But saying goodbye to what was such a big part of my life, what helped shape me, was torture, just like going back is.

I’m very tired.  Tired of playing the games and putting on a show.  But for now, I have no choice.  We’ll see what happens, maybe something will improve soon, or maybe at least I’ll finally get some time alone where I can cry for a good hour and get it all out of my system, keeping it pent up inside me is wearing me down faster than anything else right now.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 5/27/2012

I give money to LGBT organizations when I can.  I work for a non-profit, and don’t have much money to spread around, but I do what I can.  i’ve donated to thinks like the AIDS lifecycle, HRC, Equality PA, Integrity and individual politicians as well.

Somehow, I got on a list and was contacted by Brad Schneider, who is running for congress from Illinois.  I opened up the envelope and was rooted to the ground by what I saw:

While my situation is temporary (although more permanent than I’d like), hopefully soon, I’ll be working for a different company.  And I will make sure that it is not another 501(c)3, which even with the passage of ENDA, would legally be able to fire me.

I always find it strange that sometimes people forget that not only can I be fired for my sexual orientation anywhere, anyone can.  A business can be run which fires straight people.  While I would not agree with that, it would be interesting to see the public reaction to that.

ENDA (Employee Non-Discrimination Act) is not the law of the land, and there is not an equivalent in Pennsylvania, although there is a similar law in Pittsburgh, it does not apply to charities, such as how the Boy Scouts are categorized.

It was certainly interesting to open that envelope, the reality is that I may get a letter like that which is not a fundraising appeal.

And again, I don’t write this for pity.  I can cope better by writing, and I hope that eventually, when this all goes public, I can help people understand a little better what it’s like being a gay man in this country at this moment, and the struggles we all face because of hatred and bigotry.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 5/27/2012

We’ve seen it before, namely, with Penn State, and we’ve seen it before with the Boy Scouts.  A man was convicted of molesting and abusing at least 15 youth during his time with the Boy Scouts of America and the Scouts Canada.  Now, the caveat is that I have no idea how Scouts Canada works, the only interaction I’ve ever had with them was when we had a Canadian troop come to our camp once (which was a lot of fun, I still have my fake passport which let me cross the bridge).

But here’s the sentence that absolutely infuriates me:

“You do not want to broadcast to the entire population that these things happen,” A. Buford Hill Jr., a former Orange County Scouting executive, said of officials’ decision not to contact authorities. “You take care of it quietly and make sure it never happens again.”

No.  NO.  No, you fucking call the police.  This is not hard.  You call the police.  This man is a monster and the proper authorities, those trained in how to deal with situations like this, need to be involved.

No question should be easier to answer.  We’ve seen this go wrong with Penn State, and chronically with the Catholic Church around the world.

Maybe it’s some sort of weird perversion to hide anything to do with sex, to repress anything.  Maybe they want to still be able to hide behind the false claim that gay men are the molesters (which study after study have shown that they aren’t), instead of having to admit that straight men are pedophiles.  I don’t know.

But this isn’t the answer.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 5/27/2012

An awesome article about parenting, which was written for Mother’s Day.  Here’s my favorite quote:

are we now not letting people marry based on what kind of parents they’d be? Because meth addicts and senior citizens can marry. Deflating one false argument only leads to the next. Not worse parents? How about tradition? The marriage-is-unchanged-for-millennia argument is also popular, also untrue, and a particularly laughable stab at reasoning. You wouldn’t accept that logic from your doctor. “Calm down — leeches are a medical tradition going back centuries!” You want tradition? Buy a butter churn.

All my best,

The King of Spades