Written: 1/2/2012
I try not to talk about my personal life that much. Okay, you can quit laughing.
The purpose of this blog is a place for me to talk about being a gay employee at a workplace that would fire me if they knew. And of course I cover politics and religion, and I hope that after I find a new job, to keep the “really gay” things over here in this blog.
But I don’t talk about my sex life, or relationships or things of that nature. There are times I want to use this space to explore some things, but don’t want to get into too much detail, lest I burn the minds of you, dear readers.
But anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my relationships with people, especially with the death of my friend, the camp director.
I’ve known this for a long time, but I think a new understanding of it, something just clicked.
I take care of everyone else around me. To a fault. And I think with all the work I’ve done lately taking care of my friends, and I’ve realized that maybe I need someone to help me take care of myself.
I’ve always said that I’m happier single. But I’m not closed off if anything were to come along. Maybe I’m just scared of being too close to drama, so maybe I just need to find more people who are drama-free.
But thinking about having someone that I could lean on in the context of a relationship, someone to help me through life (and vice-versa of course), seems really envious.
And of course, I would have to learn to let myself be helped, and be more open. Keeping secrets for so long has made me distrustful, made me angrier than I seem, and I hate that. I hate that so very much. And I think I would need some help to change that back. But being so open is scary, to anyone I suppose, but I’d like that, that’s for sure.
So that’s a little peek into the inner workings of me, I hope it wasn’t too scary.
All my best,
The King of Spades
