Written: 10/24/2010

This has been floating in my head for almost as long as I’ve been thinking about things, but never knew quite how to write it.  I’m going to try.

I’m sorry.

Once I figured things out for myself, I decided that I would not tell anyone until I my work situation changed.

Please believe me when I say it is not that I don’t love you.  Quite the opposite in fact.  I didn’t want anyone to have to lie for me.  I wanted to protect you.*  I did not want to put anyone in the awkward situation that might have arisen.  It was not that I thought I would not be accepted, or that I would lose anyone’s blessing.  In fact, I think the vast majority of people will be either indifferent (since I’m not in bed with them and it doesn’t matter) or happy for me.

But my life should not be a burden to anyone else.

So please accept this apology.  Know that it was my decision, made out of love for you.  I hope you can forgive me, and understand me a little better.

All my best,

The King of Spades

*And yes, that opens up a whole conversation about me trying to decide things for others, but we’ll put that aside for now (and for space concerns, I feel like I could go round and round for pages).

Written: 10/02/2010

Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, abbreviated as DADT, is still the policy of the United States, due to the asshat Sen. John McCain who led a Republican filibuster.  The interviews Senator McCain gave after the Senate session revealed his level of senility and paranoia.

There may or may not be an immediate affect from the repeal of DADT on the Boy Scouts.  I imagine that there will be a change, but it will not come immediately, or even very soon after DADT’s repeal.

The Boy Scouts work under an unofficial DADT, so it is in no way tied to The Pentagon, but I like to think that the end of DADT would bring workplace equality (and membership equality) to the Boy Scouts.  Maybe it is hopeless wishing, but I’ll continue to dream.

The defeat of the repeal of DADT was a bit devastating to me.  My workplace aside, it is the right thing to do, and I can’t remember such a vast majority of the country ever agreeing on one thing before (I believe it was 85% of the population supported the repeal of DADT).

One of my best friends is a veteran.  The subject came up once, and he mentioned that someone in his unit was gay (he ran across some images on his hard drive while checking e-mail or something like that).  And my friend was upset.  Not that a member of his unit was gay, but that his friend was not able to trust his unit enough to share that with them.  He explained that on the battlefield they had to know everything about each other, absolutely everything.  All emotions had to be left behind and they knew they were there for each other, that was what mattered.

Not what was going on between people’s ears when they were having sex.  Not the people they loved at home.  Not the people they left behind and hoped to return to.

It was about trust.

And his unit was only hurt because they did not know everything they could about the soldiers they trusted their lives to.

Whenever I discuss politics, I freely admit that there are items I don’t understand and would rather the experts figure it out.  I defer on items such as financial policy and other topics where I just don’t have the knowledge.  This is one of them.  Putting aside the fact that it is an issue of human rights and equality, my friend is infinitely better to understand this issue and I respect his views like no one else.

For his insight, and of course friendship, I cannot thank him enough.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 09/16/2010

I muse a lot about my work and how my sexuality trapped me.  But today I want to explore some relationships, you know, with people.

I have wonderful and supportive friends, most of which could probably care less and will probably just be happy for me.  But of course I worry.

And I worry most of all about the friend’s I’ve been blessed with the longest.  Will they see me as lying to them for years?  Using them?  When I just didn’t know myself, wasn’t sure, and for so long, was filled with a scathing indifference.

So I found myself very surprised and very relieved when I heard the following, “I wish I could go back and make sure I had more gay friends.  I wish I had more gay friends now.”

Sometimes I worry too much.  Sometimes I’m relieved.  I smiled to myself, finished my drink and laughed a little bit out loud.

It was like a weight was lifted.

Here’s hoping to continuing that trend.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 08/07/2010, alternate title, “Covered in sadness”

Prop 8 was struck down on Wednesday, which just happened to be one of my favorite volunteer’s birthday (and the President’s).  I was at work when the news came in.  The news came in, and I was grinning ear to ear.

But I didn’t let anyone see.

Later, I was working late, like always, and was the last one on the floor.  Or at least, I should have been doing more work than I did.  I was scouring the web, reading everything I could about the decision, reading all the reactions.  And I teared up a little bit.  I don’t understand all the legal ramifications, scenarios are discussed and they are dizzying in not only their complexities, but also the multitude of them.  I’ll leave that to the lawyers, for now I was just happy.

I’m so happy for the decision, for the people of California and for equality everywhere.  But at the same time I keep stumbling upon the haters, the bigots, and the people who have nothing but malice for how I was born.  I can’t understand that kind of irrational hatred.  But I am confronted by it.  And the anonymity of the Internet is a driving force for many instances (as well as a communicator’s dream to study), but I have this amazing ability to internalize all of it, and keep it bouncing around inside my head.

The next day, I somewhat purposely didn’t go to lunch on time.  I didn’t want to overhear the hate that would be spewing.  Although, to be fair, two of my co-workers who I eat at the same time as have mentioned in the past that they’re for marriage equality, stating that, “let them be miserable like the rest of us.”  I’ve heard that a lot, and it seems to come before real acceptance, and I’ll take it.  But I knew I couldn’t be around another co-worker, so I stayed at my desk for a while before going up to the lunch room.

I know I need to stop letting stuff get to me, and embrace the celebrations in this major victory.  It’s something for me to work on, it will certainly help in every aspect of my life, but for now, it’s still hard to see the hate, and seeing how it overshadows what should be a personal celebration makes me that much angrier with the person, and with myself.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 07/08/2010

I haven’t posted any music (or any media for that matter) here yet.  Music is very important to me, I find it very personal, especially to a wide variety of people at once, but for all different reasons, hence the power.  Anyway, this is Daughtry’s new single, that I’m currently loving:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQJXdzg8Kbk

How the time passed away? All the trouble that we gave
And all those days we spent out by the lake
Has it all gone to waste? All the promises we made
One by one they vanish just the same

Of all the things I still remember
Summer’s never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end

Now it all seems so clear, there’s nothing left to fear
So we made our way by finding what was real
Now the days are so long that summer’s moving on
We reach for something that’s already gone

Of all the things I still remember
Summer’s never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end

We knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how
We would end up here the way we are
Yeah we knew we had to leave this town
But we never knew when and we never knew how

Of all the things I still remember
Summer’s never looked the same
The years go by and time just seems to fly by
But the memories remain

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end

Note: Guess we’ll see if the video link still works…

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 6/8/2010

I previously mentioned that I would be fired if I came out, if I told the truth.  I work for the Boy Scouts, and we operate under a pseudo-“Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” policy (lets keep going and ignore the fact that I think I just butchered grammar).

Working for the Boy Scouts, we don’t have the official DADT, but that is how we operate, and how we reference the policy.  Now, there are a few special circumstances that set our member policy apart from that of the US Military.  First, youth members do not fall under it.  From National’s perspective, a youth member is never gay (or more accurately, non-straight), they are just questioning and experimenting.  At least until they register as an adult, which can be 18, or can be 21. So I did a little bit of digging, and I was wrong (it happens a lot, don’t be surprised), although it was a more recent clarification, which is why I missed it I think.  Youth members cannot come out of the closet either.  Which again, is a shame.  Although I think, at least around here, you would be hard pressed to find a Scoutmaster who would kick a kid out of the program.

All my best,

The King of Spades

Written: 6/5/2010

I am the King of Spades. It’s not a great name, but it will work for now.

Obviously it is not my given name, but a nom de plume. How did I choose that? Do I have an obsession with royalty? Far from it. And besides, Spades is not a country (note to self: buy an island and name it Spades, then proclaim myself King, but you know, a benevolent one). The name came from a series of connections in my head, and I actually keep finding more connections and uses for it, so I’m keeping it.

I don’t want to keep the name though. I don’t want any of this to be hidden, to be a secret. I used to always pride myself on the fact that my life was an open book, at least to my friends. But life has gotten in the way I suppose. And in order to protect myself, I’ve kept myself bottled up, kept myself in the closet. If I were to tell the truth, to say that I am gay, I’ll be fired.

Even in a city with a non-discrimination protection, there are enough loopholes and addendums that for being honest, I would be fired on the spot.

Which leads me to one of the great ironies of my situation: I work for the Boy Scouts. The first point of the Scout Law is trustworthy. But every day, I lie. Every day I live a false life. Every day it feels like I die a little bit more inside.

This leads to all kinds of realizations, thoughts and craziness inside my head. I’ll do my best to get them all out. But first, a quote from one of my favorite authors, the dedication from House of Leaves:

This is not for you.

Sorry to be blunt. But this is for me. Yes, I love writing, and I’m sure part of me wants people to read this and understand me more, maybe even take something positive away from what I’m going through, but it is more important for me to see these words, to put them down on paper so to speak (that’s another conversation, probably best left to The Great and Secret Show).

I think a good portion of this would make more sense if I explained how to came to this place in my life, how I came to understand and accept myself. But that is for another day, I do apologize.

Some people will say that I brought this on myself, and they would be right- if they didn’t know my whole story. So I’m sorry dear reader, I probably will put all that down at some point, but not today, I can only take so much catharsis at a time. I may be strong, but I’m not that strong.

So I carry on, as I must I suppose. To what? Some sort of misguided and self inflated purpose I think. Can I turn this around somehow and make this all into a positive? I like to think so. After all, I am an eternal optimist.

So I write, and I look forward to seeing where this will take me.

All my best,

The King of Spades